I don't usually read advice from advice columnists which angers me to the point where I write about it, but in this case I feel that I must. On August 5, 2023, Amy Dickinson gave the following advice
Letter Writer:
Dear Amy: My sister, 60, and her daughter, 28, are having a dispute. My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay there for a few more years. Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away with a five-hour time difference, her mom is constantly worrying about her. She has made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often.
However, my sister feels it is rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it is not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she is all right (alive) and would be thrilled with just a return emoji of a thumbs up. My niece believes touching base two or three times a week is enough. This is causing a rift. Also, it hurts my sister that her daughter would not want to know her own mother is alive and well, too. Any thoughts on how to proceed? — Uncle Who Cares
Answer:
Uncle Who Cares: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up. My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.
Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive. However, because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree the daughter should acknowledge the daily texts from her mother.
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Amy made some serious mistakes in giving this advice. First, none of this was the uncle's business, and Amy should have told him that. Arming the uncle with her opinion that the daughter should respond to her mother's daily texts undoubtedly empowered the busy-body uncle to take sides and criticize the niece about something that didn't concern him.
Secondly, the uncle makes it clear that the daughter has asked her mother to text less often -- two or three times a week. In what universe is communicating with one's mother two or three times a week not enough? The daughter isn't saying that she wants to be in touch once a month or twice a year; she's saying two or three times a week. In my view, that makes the daughter extremely attentive to her mother. Yet that isn't enough for the mother, for the busy-body uncle, or for Amy. Ultimately, Amy puts her stamp of approval on the uncle's intrusive behavior, undoubtedly creating more problems for the daughter.
The daughter, being 28, clearly wants to live her life without having to deal with her insecure mother on a daily basis; the daughter has that right. When I was 28, if my mother had texted me on a daily basis, I would have told her unequivocally to stop pestering me. Clearly, at 28 the daughter wants to be independent, but the mother keeps telling her "You are still a child which I have to watch out for". No healthy 28-year-old should feel comfortable with that.
Amy herself seems to acknowledge the ridiculousness of the situation when she says, "Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive" -- and yet she then proceeds to tell the busy-body uncle that she agrees with him that the daughter should respond to ALL of her mother's texts.
Amy then made things worse by, a few days later, posting a letter from someone who agreed with her bad advice. In other words, she doubled-down on the bad advice. (I had also sent her a letter about it which she didn't print.)
If I were that 28-year-old woman, I would be furious at both the busy-body uncle and at Amy Dickinson for interfering in my relationships.
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