Below is a letter to the advice columnist Damon Young at the Washington Post. Young, in my opinion, gave very poor advice to this woman, and I explained that in an email that I sent to him.
The letter to Damon Young:
Hi Damon: My brother is getting married and my new sister-in-law asked me to be in the wedding party. The other people on her side are a cousin, a few friends, and her brother “Charlie.” I am uncomfortable saying this, but Charlie is a stereotypical gay man. When we all went shopping for coordinating attire, I tried on a dress and he immediately said “Oh honey no, I refuse to be in a photo with you in that dress.” I felt self-conscious trying on dresses around Charlie.
I also feel uncomfortable with how he uses language used to bring women down, like “witch” with a b and “slut.” The other bridesmaids find him charming and delightful; they have even said that they are so glad there is “a gay” in the wedding. I never thought of myself as such a stick in the mud until now, but I just do not click with him.
Beside this wedding, I’m going to see Charlie a lot as our families come together so I’m going to have to learn to deal with him. Do I just ignore it when he talks bluntly about weight? Let it go when he calls me a witch? Or is there a way I can ask him to check it a little without coming across as a homophobe?
— Bridesmaid
Damon Young's response:
Bridesmaid: So, let’s just get this out of the way: I’d worry less, if I were you, about “coming across” as a homophobe and more about “being a homophobe.” Because you are one.
Now, homophobia, like every other bias, exists on a spectrum. You have your violent homophobes, who use excuses like religion, their concept of morality, or their complicated feelings about their own sexuality, to perpetuate hate. Nothing from your letter indicates I’m describing you.
Then there are people who perhaps don’t carry any conscious personal animus toward queer people, but have internalized negative and reductive stereotypes about them, and I think this is where you exist. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you have some homophobic tendencies just because you’re off-put by your soon-to-be brother-in-law’s behavior. Instead, I’m saying it’s because you believe he’s acting like a “stereotypical gay man,” when there is no such thing.
It feels … rudimentary to even type this out, but not every gay man is like Nathan Lane in “The Birdcage.” Some are. Most aren’t. The behavior you have a problem with isn’t “gay male” behavior. From your description, he is a habitual boundary-stepper who also just happens to be gay. You are perfectly justified to tell him his language and his comments about your fashion sense have offended you. This doesn’t have to be a big production, either. Just call him on the phone or invite him to coffee and talk to him.
And who knows? Maybe this’ll be a bonding moment for you two. It’s not uncommon for people who’ve had underwhelming first impressions of each other to become close after getting real. But even if that’s not in the cards for you, you have to get past this anachronistic stereotype, for the queer people you happen to meet, and for your own well-being.
Good luck.
My email to Damon Young:
Dear Damon,
Your advice to the woman who was worried that she was a homophobe was pretty outrageous (Dec. 2nd column). No, she is not a homophobe. The kind of behavior that Charlie was exhibiting wasn't just "boundary stepping", it is a way of acting outrageous which some gay men have adopted in order to survive in a heterosexual culture (while simultaneously being out of the closet). There is a direct connection between that kind of behavior and certain insecure gay personalities, and it was not homophobic of the writer to make that association. I am, by the way, a gay man, so I know what I'm talking about.
So let's talk about homophobia. I believe that your use of the word "queer" is a bigger violation than anything that woman said. To my generation, the word "queer" was ALWAYS a slur. It means "strange, odd, weird, unusual, abnormal". It is a word that has NO POSITIVE MEANINGS. During my life, when I was called "queer", it was never meant in a friendly way -- how could it be, given its meanings? That some young gay people are now using that word to describe themselves is unfortunate. It is evidence that some gay people still struggle with issues of self-hatred. (Mostly the word is being used by non-binary people because they don't know how else to classify themselves.) Please don't tell me that this is an instance of the gay community reclaiming a slur. How can we reclaim a word that we never used?
When people like you use that word publicly, you are giving tacit permission to straight people to use that word also; and when they do, you can be sure that they will not use it in a positive way. Out of curiosity, I looked you up on the internet. I discovered that you are straight and black. That actually makes things all the worse. How would you like it if I used the N-word to describe you? I don't think you would like it at all! Yet there are some black men who use that word to describe themselves. The truth is, there is lots of homophobia in the black community. How am I to know that you are not also homophobic? That you are referring to me with a slur word is a good indication that you may be.
You do not belong in this advice-giving business. You are insensitive, you are foolish, and you may also be prejudiced.
Caleb Murdock
Warren, RI
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