Oh the Humanity

Saturday, November 14, 2020
Most adults have learned how to hold in their poop and pee as they sleep – probably most mammals too – and I have been very good at that since I was a little boy, never soiling my bed that I can remember.  But this act of holding it in has resulted in many dreams in which I tried to poop or pee but couldn’t, and I had such a dream before I woke up today.  I dreamed that I was displaying my home-made jewelry in the meeting room of an older hotel.  (In the mid-1980’s I made and sold beaded jewelry.)  Not many hotel customers were coming in to see my jewelry, but there were two that I remember.  One was Queen Elizabeth II of England, now a woman in her 90’s (and in my dream also in her 90’s).  She picked out a necklace made of red agate in round fluted beads with vermeil findings, but it was unfinished.  When she left, I realized I needed to poop and ran to a nearby private toilet (in the hotel, meaning that I was still dreaming) and sat on the “throne” and tried to poop but was unable to.

So I returned to the meeting room and continued to work.  Several other people came in to watch, including a handsome young man with a short beard whom I found very attractive.  The others left, but he stayed (apparently because he found me attractive too), and he asked if he could watch me work.  But I had to ask him to leave because I needed to poop.  He looked hurt and even crestfallen, but he left after hesitating.  I then ran back to the private toilet (still in the hotel), sat down, and once again couldn’t poop.

I finally realized what was happening:  that I was asleep, and that I had to wake up in order to poop.  So I “woke up” (but was still in the hotel), and once again ran to the private toilet, but wasn’t able to poop.  All during this time I was worried about finishing the Queen’s necklace, about sending away the handsome young man, and about keeping my jewelry and beads safe while I was in the toilet.

After the third time of running to the toilet and not being able to poop, I realized that I hadn’t actually awakened.  So this time I really woke up – but I was very tired because I still needed to sleep.  I then ran to my apartment’s bathroom to poop, but I wasn’t able to because my body wasn’t ready yet, so my dilemma wasn’t solved.

However, in my drowsy, semi-awaked state, I imagined that I was the President of the United States who had just spent his first night in the White House, that it was the first day of my administration, that the dream I had of being in the hotel was dreamed in my bed in the White House, and that it was in my bathroom in the White House that I had just failed to poop.  In this part of my waking dream, I knew that I would have to poop before I went down to the Oval Office, so I was still concerned about being constipated.  But I was awake enough to know that I wasn’t the President, so I turned on my computer to start this story, and then suddenly I needed to poop, with my bowels rumbling as they usually do.  So I ran to my bathroom and pooped without a problem.

All this time, however, I kept thinking that I had to get back to the hotel meeting room so that I could finish the Queen’s necklace and be there if the handsome young man decided to give me a second chance.

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