Friday, September 27, 2019
Posted in
Life
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"One hand washes the other" is an expression which means, "You help me, and I'll help you". It is similar to the Latin phrase "quid pro quo", this for that. The implication is that the parties involved both have something they want to accomplish, but need help, so they help each other. Their mutual help is selfish (i.e., they are both looking out for their own interests), and because of this the expression has seamy, even dishonest, implications.
But there are rules even to this selfish give-and-take. The main rule is that one person can't demand a favor from the other; favors have to be given voluntarily.
My landlord recently helped me to get on Section 8. It involved running a couple errands for me (since I don't have a car). It also involved making a repair to my apartment which cost him some money. Section 8 also required him to do a lead inspection of my apartment, which cost $100. Since the Section 8 program benefits mostly me, the tenant, I offered to pay for the inspection. (The inspection was actually required by law before I moved in, but the landlord didn't do it because he didn't know about it -- or perhaps because no one was checking up on him.)
The point is, I did him a favor, and he did me a favor. But then he informed me in an email that in exchange for running the errands for me, he wasn't going to pay me $15 that he owed me. That was NOT okay, and that is not the way that "one hand washes the other" works.
Obviously, I am writing this because I am angry at my landlord. My landlord is "boundary challenged". He doesn't understand what a person's rights and obligations are in a relationship. For example, because he is the landlord, he expects that he can demand things of his tenants that he really has no right demanding, things which aren't necessarily in the lease. He spent so much time trying to micro-manage the life of a young woman who lived in another of his buildings that she ended up moving.
Here is an example: When I first met him and looked at the apartment, I told him point blank that I would not be the neatest tenant. I assured him that I wouldn't do anything to harm the apartment, but that the apartment would be messy. It turned out that he didn't even hear me (i.e., it went in one ear and out the other). After I moved in, he kept harping at me to get rid of some of my junk, which was really none of his business. When he finally got a look at the apartment (which wasn't neat, but wasn't a disaster either), he had a very negative reaction, and he has been raising the issue ever since. I keep telling him the he has no reason to complain unless I am damaging the apartment, which I am not. (I haven't put a single nail hole in the walls, or damaged the walls or floors in any other way.) But he still sees the clutter as something he can criticize me for, even though he was warned before I moved in. (For those in the know, my apartment is not a Collyer's Mansion.)
What my landlord really doesn't understand is that we have a business relationship. I pay him the rent (which is high), and then I get to use the apartment as I please (as long as I obey the terms of the lease). His attitude towards his tenants is paternalistic, which doesn't work with me given that I am 18 years older than he is.
The building that I live in has two apartments and two electrical lines serving the two apartments. At one point, he told me that he was going to put a dehumidifier in the basement during the summer (to prevent wood rot in the beams), and that he was going to put it on my electrical line. I told him "no" (because he hadn't asked me, which he should have). Indeed, for him to do that without my permission would have been theft of service according to the law. Well, he ended up doing it anyway, although he held off for a year or two. When he did it, I decided I had no choice but to allow it. (He pays part of the electric bill during those months.)
When I first moved into the building, I smelled gas in the basement, so I called the gas company to investigate (which is normal procedure when people smell gas). They found leaks, and they turned off the gas until the leaks were repaired. The repairs cost the landlord $800. I felt bad about that, so I gave him $200 (a lot of money for a person on Social Security). His reaction suggested that he didn't appreciate it much, that he felt he deserved it. I knew then he'd be a difficult person to deal with.
The landlord will eventually pay me the $15 he owes me. If I don't make him pay, he'll walk all over me in the future. Ultimately, I have done more favors for him than he has done for me, so I am in a firm position. But it is a pain to have to deal with someone who thinks that he owns me.
But there are rules even to this selfish give-and-take. The main rule is that one person can't demand a favor from the other; favors have to be given voluntarily.
My landlord recently helped me to get on Section 8. It involved running a couple errands for me (since I don't have a car). It also involved making a repair to my apartment which cost him some money. Section 8 also required him to do a lead inspection of my apartment, which cost $100. Since the Section 8 program benefits mostly me, the tenant, I offered to pay for the inspection. (The inspection was actually required by law before I moved in, but the landlord didn't do it because he didn't know about it -- or perhaps because no one was checking up on him.)
The point is, I did him a favor, and he did me a favor. But then he informed me in an email that in exchange for running the errands for me, he wasn't going to pay me $15 that he owed me. That was NOT okay, and that is not the way that "one hand washes the other" works.
Obviously, I am writing this because I am angry at my landlord. My landlord is "boundary challenged". He doesn't understand what a person's rights and obligations are in a relationship. For example, because he is the landlord, he expects that he can demand things of his tenants that he really has no right demanding, things which aren't necessarily in the lease. He spent so much time trying to micro-manage the life of a young woman who lived in another of his buildings that she ended up moving.
Here is an example: When I first met him and looked at the apartment, I told him point blank that I would not be the neatest tenant. I assured him that I wouldn't do anything to harm the apartment, but that the apartment would be messy. It turned out that he didn't even hear me (i.e., it went in one ear and out the other). After I moved in, he kept harping at me to get rid of some of my junk, which was really none of his business. When he finally got a look at the apartment (which wasn't neat, but wasn't a disaster either), he had a very negative reaction, and he has been raising the issue ever since. I keep telling him the he has no reason to complain unless I am damaging the apartment, which I am not. (I haven't put a single nail hole in the walls, or damaged the walls or floors in any other way.) But he still sees the clutter as something he can criticize me for, even though he was warned before I moved in. (For those in the know, my apartment is not a Collyer's Mansion.)
What my landlord really doesn't understand is that we have a business relationship. I pay him the rent (which is high), and then I get to use the apartment as I please (as long as I obey the terms of the lease). His attitude towards his tenants is paternalistic, which doesn't work with me given that I am 18 years older than he is.
The building that I live in has two apartments and two electrical lines serving the two apartments. At one point, he told me that he was going to put a dehumidifier in the basement during the summer (to prevent wood rot in the beams), and that he was going to put it on my electrical line. I told him "no" (because he hadn't asked me, which he should have). Indeed, for him to do that without my permission would have been theft of service according to the law. Well, he ended up doing it anyway, although he held off for a year or two. When he did it, I decided I had no choice but to allow it. (He pays part of the electric bill during those months.)
When I first moved into the building, I smelled gas in the basement, so I called the gas company to investigate (which is normal procedure when people smell gas). They found leaks, and they turned off the gas until the leaks were repaired. The repairs cost the landlord $800. I felt bad about that, so I gave him $200 (a lot of money for a person on Social Security). His reaction suggested that he didn't appreciate it much, that he felt he deserved it. I knew then he'd be a difficult person to deal with.
The landlord will eventually pay me the $15 he owes me. If I don't make him pay, he'll walk all over me in the future. Ultimately, I have done more favors for him than he has done for me, so I am in a firm position. But it is a pain to have to deal with someone who thinks that he owns me.
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